Pieces of Me

I’m tired of being everyone’s bad guy…blamed for your short comings, your mistakes, your lack of accountability and self reflection…your common enemy because I take it and let you. 

I’m tired of letting other people make me feel bad for finally putting myself first…for finally having enough self respect to not be blamed, spoken down to, shamed, or not letting my empathy cloud my judgment and excuse people’s behavior. 

I have learned through all my pain and struggle, especially these last few years that I am much more important than allowing myself to sink for anyone else’s short comings. I matter. I am a person. I have feelings. I am not a punching bag. And I deserve to be loved. 

My empathy gets me in trouble because I can feel things on such a deep level, for anyone that walks into my life. You’ve been through something and you share it with me, I’ll hear you, see you, and now forever carry it with you so that you’ll never walk alone. I’ll excuse your behavior because I see what you’ve been through and put myself in that situation in my own life to imagine how I would feel…

I think before I speak. I put love first before I get angry….it takes a lot to get me there. But being genuine and real apologies can go a long way. I give more chances than most people deserve and I always do it at a detriment to myself because I believe in the good in people. Yes, I’m one of them. 

I walk around like a closed book when really I’m an open journal…I am lines of every persons story, chapters of other people’s pain…I share when it feels necessary, but the pages of my book are filled with pictures of the people that cross my path. You can ask my wife…it angers her sometimes, I’ll come home carrying a new story, a new pain while I’m going through my own…I’ll tell her about it, and she knows me, she knows that this has now become a part of me…a burden I will carry for someone else, and I never take that role lightly. 

How many know my life story? Besides what I decide to share on the lines of a post because I know I’m not the only one. I protect the deepness of my story, like armor. Shared with no one that doesn’t ask, and filtered for those that do. I have one person that knows my original copy and I am at peace with that but want to make it clear that I. AM. A. PERSON. TOO. 

I have feelings and pain, I go through things too…I have struggled with depression my whole life, attempted to take it and almost succeeded, have anxiety that gets my blood pressure in trouble and a crippling ability to barricade my heart so as to not let others in, aka trust issues…I could keep going, my point…everyone, and I mean everyone has a story that you know nothing about. Whether you think you’re close to someone or think you know enough…odds are you don’t. We are so quick to making judgements, protecting ourselves by blaming others, lacking accountability because of what we’ve been through…creating an image of who a person is because of what you think you know of them. 

Im tired….these last 2 years, I’ve been through some of the most heartbreaking things of my life…things that so many people thought would break me, didn’t. Why? Because I chose to hold myself accountable, not allowing my pain to be an excuse to make me bitter and resentful…I chose to give myself grace….i chose to love myself through my struggle rather than blame myself. It wasn’t easy, and I am so grateful for my wife because she is my constant. The one person I can count on. The one that knows the off centered hand written lines of my own story and loves me through it. She taught me that sometimes we need to be gentle with our souls…that the people that are meant for you will be there for you…she is my reminder of when things are not my fault (have a tendency to analyze where I go wrong, even when I didn’t)…and keeps my grounded. She knows what I’m capable of and knows I take shit from nobody. She doesn’t force my hand, or push me to a conclusion, she doesn’t allow her anger to become mine…she is supportive, leaves room for what she knows I need, and follows my lead. She is the epitome of a soulmate…my balance. 

I write all this to say…i have lost and battled so much these last 2 years, lost much of my village this past year but I sit here grateful for my little family that I am so in love with, and so proud of creating. And if you are a page in my book, I haven’t forgotten. Into the future I go with a new outlook, and an unwillingness to let anyone bring me down…

I’m finally writing my sequel…my “how I learned to dance in the rain” ❤️